Learning to Live in Pure Joy!

So, our precious bundle arrived two months ago on August 5th.  I have yet to blog since he arrived.  To say everything started off perfectly would not be accurate.  I had to have a c-section due to the position of his head after a couple of hours of pushing.  The silver lining is that he was perfectly healthy.  We had an amazing doctor and labor and delivery nurse.  We could not have done it without them.  The picture below is with our labor and delivery nurse - Marie.  Her husband works with me at Calhoun. She was awesome!

Charlie and I were so elated during the first couple of weeks, but we were also going through a huge change.  Breast feeding is hard work y'all! No one told me this beforehand.  For some reason, I just always assumed I would breast feed, but I never thought through what it would be like.  Luckily, Tays latched on easily and after a couple of weeks, it became increasingly more natural.  I feel thankful I have been able to do it and have the experience.  I just remember having a moment at 3:00 a.m. the first night we were home where I thought, "My life will never be the same."  I will never be able to do anything again.  I will always be sleep deprived.  I'll never make it when my mom leaves, etc.  By the way, I had a serious crying session when my mom left.  I have since learned from several of my friends that this is very normal! I cannot tell you how many people told me they cried when their mom left too (that includes my sister who had a baby last week).  Sleep deprivation and hormones off the chart are not a good look on me.

Once again, luckily, life has really returned to normal.  Tays sleeps well for his age (pretty much sleeping through the night already).  Thanks to pumping and getting him in a routine, we take him everywhere.  He has already made a trip to Montgomery, a couple of trips to Florence and a couple of trips to Nashville.  We are taking him to the beach later this week.  Charlie and I like to be on the go and like being social.  So far, he has adjusted well to our lifestyle and we are adjusting to taking a baby places.  I know as he gets older and sleeps less he might not travel as well, so we are getting it in while we can.

Ok, so on to the pure joy part...I love this baby!  He has changed my life for the better!  I never understood why they would ask celebrities who just had a baby how being a mom has changed them.  I always thought I would be the same person plus a child.  I know this sounds weird, but I guess it is something you can't understand until you are there.  I have never been happier in my life.  I love waking up and seeing that precious baby every morning (even if it is 4:00 am).  I could also get annoyed with those people who post a million pictures of their kids all the time.  Guess what? I've joined the club.  Sorry for those I am friends with on facebook and follow me on twitter.  We think everything he does is amazing and precious.  I told Charlie I could just look at his pictures for hours without getting tired of it.  I feel like I appreciate life more.  I am living more in the moment.

I had a thought while we were in Nashville the weekend of my 28th birthday a few weeks ago.  Life is so fleeting.  I look back at every stage and think, "Why didn't I enjoy that more?  Those were the best days."  I told Charlie that it hit me that weekend that this really is the best time of our lives - this stage with young children.  We will never get this time back that we have while Tays is a baby, and I really don't want to take it for granted.  And for the first time in my life,  I feel like I am consciously enjoying the moment.  I wish I could describe the joy this baby gives me, but it is indescribable.

With that joy for me comes anxiety.  I've never had so much to loose.  I keep thinking, "Life is too perfect right now."   My boss showed us a TED talk at a professional development day a few months back.  Dr. Brene Brown was talking about her book "Daring Greatly".  I loved the video and I have since heard several people talk about reading her book.  Then, yesterday she was talking on the OWN channel.  What she said really hit home.  Her book is all about vulnerability and how that is the connection to courage and human relationships.  We all put up armor to keep ourselves from being vulnerable.  Sometimes we even put up armor to keep ourselves from feeling one of the greatest vulnerable emotions - joy.  We start thinking about what bad thing is coming if we are this joyful.  This is something I have always struggled with.  I am a critical thinker, so naturally I sometimes find myself looking for the bad.  This is strange considering I am, for the most part, an optimist.  Living in the moment is something I've always struggled with.  I didn't realize until recently that I can even struggle with admitting when things are good.  She said that we have to learn to live in gratitude in our moments of joy.  We can't worry about the future.  We can only be grateful for that moment we are given.  I share this because I am first of all being vulnerable by saying this, and secondly,  I am trying to live in gratitude with a full heart and thank God for the gift of this wonderful baby.

By the way, I am starting her book this week. I'll let you know how it goes.  This is a long post, but it is therapeutic for me to share my thoughts and feelings during this blessed time!